Why the Holidays Aren't Always the Hardest Part of Grief

2020 Reflections Part 5 of 5

When my mom passed, it happened to be during the holiday season. People kept telling me how difficult it must be to lose her “this time of year.” I appreciated their concern — but I realized something important: the holidays weren’t the hardest part for me.

Grief Doesn’t Follow the Calendar

There’s a common belief that if you lose someone around the holidays, the grief automatically feels heavier. For some people, that’s absolutely true. For me, the pain wasn’t tied to the date on the calendar — it was tied to the absence itself.

I’ve been through loss before. My father passed away the day before my birthday in 2015. I know what it’s like to have a special day forever linked to grief. But with my mom, the season didn’t define my sorrow. It was already a difficult time, period.

What People Really Mean

When friends or family mentioned “how hard the holidays must be,” I understood they were speaking from compassion — and often from imagining how they would feel. Sometimes they were reflecting on their own experiences of loss.

But I noticed something else: very few people actually asked me directly how I was feeling. It’s easy to assume what someone’s hardest moments will be, but grief is deeply personal.

Giving Grief Its Own Timeline

If you’re grieving, you don’t have to match anyone else’s emotional calendar. Some days the grief will surprise you with their heaviness. Other days the memories may bring unexpected peace. The hardest moments might be weeks or months after the date everyone assumes will be difficult.

And if you’re supporting someone in grief, skip the calendar assumptions. Instead, try:

• “What’s been the hardest part of this week for you?”

• “Are there certain days or moments you’re dreading?”

• “How can I show up for you right now?”

  
  

Final Thought: Holidays can be a tender time for many, but they aren’t the universal trigger for grief. The truth is, any day without your loved one can be the hardest. Give yourself — or someone else — the freedom to grieve in your own time.